I was recently giving an interview to a local magazine about Tantra and the journalist said that many people think that Tantra is just an excuse for sleeping around. I was rather surprised to hear that. After thinking about it for a while I thought that it might be a good time to write about this topic and clear the air.
The topic of open relationships does come up in Tantra, but I guess people haven't understood properly the reasons behind it. There are two options for being in a relationship: monogamy and polygamy. Usually it is understood that I am monogamous if I have one partner at a time. Truth is monogamy is when You have one partner Your whole life. Most of us are practicing polygamy, just one relationship at a time. In order to become a good tantric You do not need to be in a open relationship.
Just recently one of my friends asked if it is true that In Tantra they we have group lovemakings all the time. I answered that this sometimes happens, but it is not something that is done all the time and in large groups. For most people tantra relates to fucking around and sex orgies. Very few know what tantra truly is, a spiritual lifestyle that includes teachings of all areas of life including sex. It just teaches You how to have a more meaningful and healthier lifestyle and how to get in contact to Your true self. Tantra emphasises the importance of growth in life and teaches how to enjoy life.
Why tantrics want to go into open relationships?
There are few different reasons here and I will try to explain some of them to You. One of the main reasons is getting over Your ego and rise to Your heart. Understanding what is true love. The love that we feel today is mixed with our ego. Ego is the opposite of love. When there is true love in relationship, both people are free to do what ever they want to do, wherever they want to go. There are not many relationships like that. As soon as we go into a relationship, very soon we start to act towards the other person like they were our property, my wife, my husband etc. Tantrics say that true love sets no limits, true love doesn't control or set boundaries for the other person. Something beautiful I read once and it is still in my mind when speaking about true love: the more love You give, the more freedom You get. The more freedom You give, the more love You get.
True love comes from the heart, it means You are happy when Your partner is happy, You love Your partner even if they do not respond with the exact same feelings, You care most about his/her happiness. This doesn't mean You need to forget about Yourself and become a martyr, not at all. Just that very few people are in a kind of relationship I described. Most of the time it is me, me, me.....what do I get out of this. It is full of ego and no true love. Why do we act like this?
We all come from our childhood with a certain baggage. We have grown up more with fear and negative attitude from our parents, than with love and support. We have developed a strong ego for protection, because no one else would protect us from our parents. We have grown up looking at the relationship models of our parents and sharing in any part of life is usually not very popular. People do not want to share things, not to talk about their partners. People believe that love and everything else in this world is in limited quantity. If You love me, You can't love anyone else, without me losing something. Also fear kicks in, what if she is better that me, what if I will lose him, what if he has a fun time without me. What if he leaves me and I will be alone for the rest of my life. Radio, media, TV and internet all are spreading fear in every area of life. Movies and songs are full of this crap about betrayal, leaving, divorces etc. It is programming the human mind, it is all in the collective consciousness.
These feelings and fears can come out in different ways, but they are the true reasons why we act this way. Fear is being programmed into us since early age and we see it in everything and everywhere. Nothing in our life is permanent, change is a part of life. We are so used to get attached to everything and everyone. Tantra teaches You to be detached, I do not mean, not to care. Care, but be detached. Welcome change with open arms and understand that everything happens for the greater good, even if You do nor realise this right now. Good and bad are just judgements we give to situations, looking from our point of view. No matter what situation we take in life can be seen both ways, good and bad, depending from who is looking.
The fear of being alone is so deep inside everyone and they would rather stay in a bad relationship than to be alone. How to overcome Your fears? By facing them and becoming free.
FEAR - false evidence appearing real. When facing Your fears we often realize there is nothing to fear, it is just a creation of our mind. If we have experiences when our father or mother eas cheating and You saw the pain that came from this, You immediately relate to that pain in similar situations.
About 70% of marriages end and many of them end because of adultery. But there are reasons to adultery and if men and women would address the topic of sexuality the right way, then this percentage would become much lower. Most men don't cheat because of fun, they do it because they have no other option. They want to have sex and their wife doesn't. There are also other reasons, but the main percentage comes from this problem. Working as a Tantra Therapist I see this every day. I've already said, sexuality is so important. It is the foundation, when this is good, everything else can be built on it.
Tantrics mainly go into open relationships because they want to overcome the ego and learn to love without fear. Tantrics say that love is limitless and it is a state that You grow into, it is not something that is based upon one person. I am in the state of love and everyone I meet can feel that love and I can share my love with them. If You have one child and then You have another one, You have love for both of them. It should be the same with partners. It is about learning to share everything.
We might feel in a relationship that if our partner wants to be with someone else I might not be good enough. If You eat Your favourite meal every day for the rest of Your life, at one point, You will get tired of it. Look at people who have been together for 50 years, they are a bit tired of each other. When we can experience something else from time to time, we don't lose the attraction and still appreciate each other. This can also be solved in a way where both partners stay in a constant growth by learning new things and skills, then You are always exciting to Your partner. You can even do this together, take cooking courses, learn massage, go dancing, learn new languages etc. There are limitless options out there.
Often when people come to my sessions and say that their relationship is not working, I tell them not to focus on the relationship so much. They need to focus on themselves more, everything else will fall into place then. If You are happy, Your relationship will be much happier.
/ Written by Jaya Shivani
Read more on her website: www.jayashivani.ee