Nathanel Goldman

How to survive polyamory

Nathanel Goldman
How to survive polyamory

Polyamory, how do you do it?!

Polyamory…having more than one intimate relationship at a time. It is the new buzzword that finds its way around tantric communities (even though they are not the same thing).
It’s quite common that those who are exploring sexuality often want to experience meting with a variety of partners. However it is certainly not essential. For my first nine years of Tantra I was in a monogamous committed relationship, and that was my vehicle for tantric growth at that time.

However, since then my lifestyle of travelling and living in fluid communities has thrown me into the arms of polyamory from time to time, by default more than anything else! In my first open relationship, we opened up because we would be in different countries for several months, and we didn’t want to feel that we were fighting any connections that naturally arose. Being open seemed the best way to hold our relationship under those circumstances.

I have found that even though sometimes I decide to be polyamorous, what usually happens is that when I fall in love, I am just not interested in anyone else. In theory I am poly, in practice I am mono. I see it as not needing to be pre-defined, but simply being true to what is. When I am in love, my energy flows into the heart space, and my whole being yearns to dive into intimacy with my beloved. It is not a matter of restricting myself and holding back from others…I simply gravitate towards love. I love love!


There are also times when I am not in love with one special person. Those between-relationships moments. I often find myself in poly communities and so I have explored openness and what seems to  work best on every level.

Being in the tantric world there are so many juicy opportunities for connection. Dancing, eye-gazing, cuddling, spooning, massaging, touching, holding. There is also the phenomenon of energetic orgasm…the capacity to move sexual energy without any genital touch or contact. This happens through tantric practices and breathing, and can be more incredible than many experiences of non-tantric sex! It can happen alone, with a partner or in a group. It is simply the flow of life force energy through the body’s energy channels.

Intimacy is a fundamental need for humans….we are born seeking a warm nourishing breast. We are born looking for safe arms to hold us and cuddle us. I am so so grateful for so many opportunities to connect in my adult life. Through exploring the many ways to connect, I have discovered that it is completely possible to enjoy being polyamorous and open without even engaging in sex (unless you want to). Not only is it possible, but it is highly enjoyable and fulfilling.

That may seem like an impossibility, as often polyamory is expressed as having multiple sexual partners. But “poly” = many, and “amor” = love. So theoretically it is about loving many people. And I enjoy so much to share love with many people in different ways. However, I find that actual penetrative sex opens a whole deeper door for me when I relate and I prefer to only open that door when I am in love…more than just loving; being in love.

In Taoism they say that when you exchange bodily fluids, you start to exchange ancestral chi. Thus you enter a deeper level of karmic healing together. This is amazing when you are very in love with someone, but without two open hearts, such an opening can get messy or simply be incomplete. Or it may take up a lot of time with all of the emotional processing required!
So my own survival guide to polyamory has been to enjoy meeting and connecting with many people in many ways, but not to jump into actual sexual intimacy until my heart really leads the way.

I love this way of living and loving…by nourishing my desires for connection I also avoid myself becoming desperate! I don’t want to reach for a lover from a place of starvation and neediness, and sharing non-sexual intimacy means that I am never reaching such a desperate place! I come to my lover full and ready to share, not empty and needy. Yet that meeting, that transition from intimacy into becoming lovers, stays as something truly sacred.

It’s not as if I planned this, I just notice that this is what tends to happen. I also acknowledge that there are naturally different stages in life when we are served by different lifestyle choices. And I respect the choices of others. Who are we to know what is best for someone else?

I continue to not be restricted by definition of “poly” versus “mono”. My commitment is to love and to the truth unfolding in each living moment. I am so grateful for such a life of connecting and loving with so many amazing people. It often feels as if we are all waking one another up simply through our love and connection. Grateful for an extraordinary life.

/ Written by Shashi Solluna
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